How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You Might Also Like
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do