Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us