If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire