Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Twitter remains undefeated
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”