Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
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I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.