gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.