YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Selfie
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”