Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I’m sorry…what?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.