BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
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This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine