Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide