The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.