You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
next level snooze
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican