*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Can’t. Being lazy.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I don’t get marriage
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
mom gave me mine for free