Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
twitter is a journey
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler