I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.