Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
scares
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants