I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
When you let grandma cat sit
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.