ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*