Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
thanksgiving in nutshell
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop