5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.