Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no