Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.