email: CC
my brain: corn cob
You Might Also Like
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]