the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*aggressively waits in line*
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.