I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.