Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6