I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.