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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
and this one
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.