There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.