Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
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Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything