Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.