me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
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I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
some things should go without saying
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm