They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?