“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded