[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
You Might Also Like
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*pronounces fake like saké*