can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.