Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
#Caturday
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Can’t. Being lazy.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day