Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.