As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The options really are this bad
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.