[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
(Gaming support cat.)
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.