me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring