Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Schrödinger’s cookie
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Awesome parenting 😂
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀