Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).