therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
bro what is going on at twitter
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)