Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
every. time.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.