Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’