Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.