Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
my proudest tweet
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)