If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.