HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
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I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins